My Why

Everyone has a story as to why they started Martial Arts. for some it's dramatic - based around some sort of event or trauma, for others it was a hobby turned into a passion. Then again some people just like fighting.

Here's mine.

As a kid I watched the odd Karate film and thought it was cool and at the grand old age of 4 and a half, (either after watching no retreat no surrender of shortly before I watched that "classic") I started up at a local kickboxing club.

I quickly fell in love and was naturally ok at it. Not the best but flexible and picked things up quick enough. By the time I was 8 I had got my black belt, had won a few kata competitions (I love the "art") but struggled with sparring (I was and am still slight of build and really didn't like fighting.. I hated the thought of hurting someone even more than the thought of getting hit.. which I also was not a fan of).... a couple of years later I was training with the adults doing circuit training and technique classes even though I was no more than 11 or 12

I had kept things to myself until Nigel Benn came to a class and took a boxing segment (I was too young to appreciate this!) and ended up on the news.. which was then plastered all around my primary school so "everyone new"

I kept training and enjoying it, even got a 2nd dan but teenage life struck and motivation started to wain.

And then real life hit me.. literally.

The local lads from the estate started making it known that they "knew" I did karate and therefore I must have thought I was "ard". One particular lad ( a good few years older) walked up to me while surrounded with a pack of his mates, made some comment about me thinking I'm tough and then punched me solid in the cheek. Just once. I did nothing other than stumble in shock (I was probably 13?). thankfully I was round the corner from my house so I stumbled home. No one followed. they just laughed. I was embarrassed and sore and felt completely powerless. But otherwise ok

A few week later a couple (2) of the younger members of the pack decided to approach me and a mate as we were walking home, they made my mate uncomfortable so I told him to get on his bike and go home, leaving me with the two lads. one of them squared up to me and so I gave him the hardest football volley to the testicles that I could. Which dropped him, fortunately (see all those years of martial arts were a good investment.. a football volley!!!!). His mate backed off and I walked home. that was it. no grand punch up just one kick and done. When I got home I was shaking and burst into tears as the adrenaline overtook me. Again I felt like I had done nothing and was powerless.

Shortly after that I was training at the club when I was introduced to a knife. A live blade. we practiced a very simple slow "evasion" of this. Now this was very, very nerve wracking despite it being really "safe" and controlled. however I still managed to cut my arm. nothing deep just a scratch but that was enough to make something click in my head. I didn't want to train any more. I was scared. and so instead of talking about it and facing it I avoided it and stopped going. A regret I have to this day. I didn't talk to my teacher about being hit in the street, the incident with the bike or how I felt about the knife. If I had who knows I might be a different person in some respects today.

So those three things were the sum total of my "violent encounters" and to this day they still are.

After a few years of no martial arts I gradually started getting the bug again. I missed it but didn't know what to do. I tried a few different arts but it wasn't quite right. also I wasn't sure WHY I wanted to do them Just that I missed the training.

Fast forward a few years and I had the opportunity to go travelling.... and this was the inspiration I needed. Having been bought up on too many martial art movies where the young hero goes to far off countries to learn at the hands of a wise and slightly crazy master I could not turn the opportunity down to learn "real" martial arts. And so Thai land and 2 months of thai boxing.  7 hours a day 5 days a week. (and the teacher was brilliant.. and slightly nuts in a good way)

It was during this time I learned a few things about myself and the martial arts.

1) I'm a bit more robust than I thought I was
2) I do actually pick things up reasonably quickly
3) my muscle memory from childhood was still there.
4) I am scared

Training in Thailand gave me many opportunities to explore the fact number 4.

Running through rice fields being chased by wild dogs
Pad rounds and sparring properly for the first time in my life
Being hit so hard I was almost knocked out (for the first time and embarrassingly made me quite emotional and upset)

I loved learning the art, the technique, applying it and getting a tiny bit better at sparring - even starting to enjoy sparring which I never had before. But the one thing I could not get over was my fear. I was worried about being hurt, flinching all the time always moving backwards. Not quite flashing back to being a child, but having that same feeling of nerves. On top of that I did not want and do not want to hurt the person I am training with and so always pull my punches even if I know I wouldn't hurt them anyway. Which means I have difficulty "letting it go" when sparring and the intensity increases. The instructor noticed this and gave me advice which I live by to this day. learn to block first then to move then to attack. and THAT is what helped me start to get comfortable in controlled sparring. well as comfortable as you can get.

I also learned that as much as I wanted a fight to resemble a movie. It wasn't.

The scared feeling for me is the same as when I get near a rollercoaster. My body temperature goes way up, my jaws clench, I physically start to shake. I sweat, massively... and I freeze.. which is NOT the response I want. My muscles lock and I forget to breath.

Now don't get me wrong. I spar a lot. I work in a job were I am with unhappy and slightly aggressive people at times, but this is the feeling I get when things start to ramp up in intensity and I feel threatened. As I have gotten older I have discovered that THIS is why I train. Its not for a belt (though that's nice) its not to be better than anyone (though they are benchmarks to assess yourself with) it is literally a battle against myself. to keep going despite this. Week in week out. Push my self more, make myself more efficient. and more than that it is the only time in my life where I can switch off and totally be in the moment. (like getting lost in a good book).

Yes it's great to have cool techniques and lovely movement. I LOVE the art. Its better to be able to apply it. But for me... now..  its not about trying to be the hero in my own movie any more. It's about trying to fight my own fear and stop it form holding me back. I don't win that fight all the time. far from it. But it's one fight I won't give up on.

I am not "ard" quite the opposite in fact. I'm a comic book geek with a passion and want to be the best I can. I want to be able to know that, if it came to it, I would act and not freeze in an aggressive situation. I want to learn and enjoy and share knowledge with a group of people that will help push and improve each other. A sort of brotherhood that bond by punching each other in the face.

Ultimately, that's why I do it. I have no idea if this rambling makes sense. It's just something I felt I needed to get out. Everyone has their why and their story and I think it's important to acknowledge that and hold onto it. To  help motivate and inspire yourself and others.

And if that doesn't work remember this: Martial arts is cool and makes you look like you're ninja in a movie or a video game.. Jason Bourne eat your heart out! ;0)